First of all I gotta say: I do not write in English often. Actually, I’m becoming more one of those persons who think it’s our duty to write and talk Portuguese, because goddamit it’s OUR language, our culture, and we should be the responsible to take it to the outside world. But today I had a theme in my head, a think I needed to talk about a long time ago, to write it off my chest, and I could not dare to do it in Portuguese. You see when you want to say you love someone, the very first time, but you know deep down, if you say it in Portuguese it’ll mean THE WORLD?! Because, and Clã say it perfectly in their song: “Devia ser como no cinema / A língua inglesa fica sempre bem / E nunca atraiçoa ninguém.”. so I wanted to say things my heart couldn’t bear to say in Portuguese because in my head it’ll all sound too rude and too cruel some and… I know it’s not the way I meant them. So English fitted better. And I used to be very good at English, back in the day I would talk in English with the guys just for fun. I wanna get some of that back, again. See, I wanna be a good writer. A very good one. And I’m mastering in being very good in my own language, which is more important, but it should be important as well to be good in whatever language we can. So I’m trying. Here it goes:
i got to think, last night, about relationships and everything about them. things sometimes we don’t talk about, because we don’t want to say them out loud. is it because we are ashamed we feel a certain way? or is it because we’re not sure if we do feel that way?
i got to think, last night before going to sleep, about this whole brave new world that is a relationship. some people even dare to say it’s a whole new solar system and sometimes i couldn’t agree more.
i got into this think we now going to call new galaxy some time ago, now. it’s going to be two years, and bottom line it couldn’t be more awesome. it’s great, i got everything i was entitled to and everything it comes in the princess and fairy books. i got the bad stuff as well, the dark moons and the witches. but summing it all, i got it good. and it is as they say: you get the butterflies, and those tiny little bugs in your stomach. of course it doesn’t happen day over night, and it took me some time, but i got them and i felt great. i still have them, nowadays, but they are fewer and sometimes are tired of flying in here with all the acid fluids that my stomach sometimes sent them, because of all the anger
yes, sometimes I do get angry and I cannot explain why. I should know why I’m angry, I mean, if we are upset we must always have a reason for that, otherwise we would let go the blues in our heart and just be happy. In theory, yes. It happens that, sometimes, I get the blues and I don’t know why. I guess it isn’t just me, but then I think if there are other girls, out there, who rely on what I’m saying, and if there are other people, other than tv show characters who behave just like I do. We’ll call them girls who wave the blues over nothing. And sometimes, over everything. It gets so annoying and I can see that. If I can get out just a little from that feeling, I can see how annoying I am being, and how much pressure I put on people or, in this case, on the other planet who co-exists in my new galaxy. And I get it, it’s not just pressure, I start claiming the sun all to myself, as in I want all your attention, please give it to me! And if I don’t get it now or in the way I wanted it to, I get upset, and needy, and greedy, and upset, again. And I cannot explain it, because I do know how awful I’m being. And irrational. And it pisses me off being one of those girls. I was never one of those girls, I hated becoming one of those girls and here I am: writing about me being that girl. Acting like that, talking about stuff they used to do, now I’m doing because I’m them as well.
Before I ever got into space and flew to this new galaxy, I never thought I would actually be here. In the way I am now. You know how they say, that people have landed on the moon and actually walked over there, but there are no proofs to me, other than pictures and people who know someone who knows the man who is friends with me man who walked in the actual moon. With this I mean I’m not sure if someone EVER walked on the moon, for sure, because I never landed there. So, I can only doubt things. The way I doubted I would ever be here, someday, talking and writing about love as an actual person who loves and lives a life where love is, now, a major part of it. It makes me a little sick. I’m not saying I live only for the one I love, god forbid, but I’m saying I still haven’t learning to let a day go by, without at least thinking of it.
See, we are two planets on this new galaxy we created just for us. But we are miles apart. And it pains me, because these two planets can only meet each other when the universe sees fit. And let’s say universe and I don’t always agree in what’s fit for me. And so I’m wondering here, between black holes and whole new dimensions, trying to not be the girl who gets the blues. But I do get them, more than I should, and I go piss my other planet off and his entire solar system, by saying things I don’t wanna say, by demanding too much. But then I thought: I’m here laying in the bed, thinking maybe, just maybe I’m crazy and a bitchy bitch, and maybe, just maybe, it’s just not my problem. It’s his and our problem. Maybe I need to much, but maybe it’s because I’m getting a little too little? Just a little. I get enough to get by, but the thing is, we don’t meet every day, or every week, for that matter. So I think a little bit more, could be good. Or suffocating, I don’t really know. But I, sometimes, would like to. Does it make me a bad person? Or I mean a bad planet? Does one day the other planet will leave me here, alone in a galaxy we both made, for the two of us? I don’t know, and I hate saying that I sometimes obsess about it, and it makes me feel even bluer. I hate being blue. Where are all the colors?
I know this person isn’t me all the way, every day, but it is a part of me. A part I want out there, to be seen by everyone I know, and by him. But I know all this bluish stuff scares people, it’s too much for human eyes to handle. That’s why I think my planet can handle it, because in our little galaxy, we’re not humans looking for love, we’re two planets, in a huge universe, looking for each other, and all the other stars that cross our paths. At least this is what I imagine, when I’m feeling blue. Then it all gets better, because in the end, if it isn’t better yet, remember: it isn’t the end, yet.
This was all written by me, Cláudia. All rights reserved. / o texto foi todo escrito pela autora do blog, na íntegra. Direitos reservados.
Love, Cláudia de Oliveira.